Growing Pains

Growing pains suck, you can more than likely agree with that statement and have experienced them. However, in this case, I’m not the talking about the ones that made your limbs throb when you were a kid while your laying in bed trying to sleep. Although, those did suck, I’m talking about the ones you experience when you figure out you can’t help someone use their voice to stand up for themselves or create change if they are not ready to. You can help them find it, but they have to be the one to use it.

This goes for personal life or professional life. No matter friends, colleagues, peers, direct reports, kids, and any family members. All the conversations can be had, the tools can be utilized to work through thoughts, roadblocks, potential issues and how to handle things moving forward, but then its up to them to get to the tipping point. That point where, as Tony Robbins said, “the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” Words that have played a significant role in my life.

Its hard to watch someone be so angry, or defeated, or frustrated, even physically in pain because they haven’t gotten to that point yet. But its that point that they have to get to in order to decide to take action.

This has proven true for me whether it be a kid, friend, or colleague. You can provide them with the tools and opportunities, but you can’t do it for them. Keep leaning into those growing pains, it takes a village. There are so many times that for whatever the reason, people/kids do not see the potential in themselves. They need their tribeI(s) to not give up on drawing that out of them until they see it.

Unfortunately, the path for them to see it can be rough. Many times it means they will have to work through limiting beliefs: I don’t have the experience, or education, I’ve never been a supervisor or leader, self worth is put into question. Or maybe there needs to be a shift in environment but fear takes over: what if the worst case scenario happens, I don’t want to make this person mad, even if I say something it wouldn’t go anywhere, I don’t want to look stupid, I don’t want to be different.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that everyone, including myself, has to learn those things in their own way. They have to make their own mistakes, fail forward, even get angry or frustrated enough to take action. Letting them find their way out of the maze instead of giving them directions. All this is sometimes necessary with one exception, being there to provide a hand up, whatever that looks like. Pep talk, vent session, letting them know they can do it, showing them the tools to learn but not doing it for them, and giving them the opportunity to speak for themselves and then letting them know you have confidence in their ability.

How do you help them get over the fear, you ask? Face it, work through it.

Some tips:

-Fear is lonely even when surrounded by people, let them know they aren’t alone.

-Talk through scenarios and possible outcomes

-Ask what is rolling through their head - validate all of it, no matter what it is.

-After chatting through it, ask if they want help. Sometimes they need resources and a fix, other times all it takes is to be a sounding board.

-Tell them what their strengths are and then discuss how to use those to move forward

Lastly, if possible, respect their flow. The way they work that is. Many times I’ve heard my husband say, I don’t care how the sausage is made as long as it gets made. People learn differently, but they also work differently. They may not know they are allowed do use different tools or structure their day as it works best for them. In a corporate structure, there will likely be standard operating protocols. But the way they can be executed is flexible. If this is the case, discuss options.

Sometimes the growing pains are really painful, other times not so bad. It takes a team, it takes support, and it takes others willing to do what it takes to build others up to make the team not only grow, but thrive.